My idiot's guide to making offal treats.

After My Cushion abandoned me in the park, he felt very bad. In an attempt to make himself feel less like a loser, he made me some treats. 

Here is the recipe in case your humans want to suck up to you too.

My extra crispy 100% pure offal treat.

1. Buy offal. Buy lots because it's never enough. You can use hearts, gizzard, kidney or liver. 

This was a kilo of pork liver. 

It might look like a lot but looks are deceiving.

2. Cook the offal in boiling water then allow to cool.

Here you see me doing a quality test. 

This is important. You should insist on conducting such tests at regular intervals throughout the cooking process.

3. Cut the offal into thin slices. Thin slices! okay? or you'll regret it!

4. Bake the offal in the oven or on the barbie. Outdoor is better if you're going to be like The Typist and complain about the way the oven and house smells for the next few days week or so. Set the temperature very low, about 80 degrees C. 

Me guarding the barbie. This was around 3pm.

It will take hours and hours to bake! [This is when you will be very glad you followed instructions and cut the offal thinly.] 

At some point, you might start whining about how you should just have bought some cheap mass-produced treat from Woollies made in God-Knows-Where from God-Knows-What, but don't give up! Think of why you're doing it!

"Are my hand made preservative-free treats done yet, dear Cushion?"

This was like 7pm.

5. The treats are done when they're crispy and snap easily! To be absolutely sure, do more rigorous quality testing and eat a few.

FLASHBACK! 

Someone got lazy and bagged this lot when they were still a bit chewy. They turned mouldy in 3 days in the pantry and got thrown away.

This lot was PERFECT!

Crispy, crunchy 100% liver! Since it's now very hot here, we put my treats in the fridge. Also, don't forget to wait till they're completely cool before putting them in a jar.

I love my homemade offal treats! My friends do too, greedy pups. 

*

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But guess what? My Cushion wasn't the only one who gave me a pressie last week! I will tell you what The Typist gave me next time. Till then, hooroo! X

Oi! Tudo bem?

Once a year, for a week or sometimes 2, I become a wannabe Brasileira.


I start to do inexplicable and, frankly, embarrassing things.


I speed-flip through my Portuguese dictionary trying to cram new or forgotten words into my aching head and wish I hadn't wasted the other 51 weeks learning how to speak Klingon. 


Sometimes, my English develops an interesting Portuguese accent.


I test out my new language skills on Georgia who mostly looks perturbed.


I develop a sudden craving for  pão de queijo that, for most of the year, I manage to quell because they're so annoyingly fattening. 


I buy ingredients to make a big pot of feijoada. 


I drag out the dusty Brasil-On-The-Go playlist on my iPhone, listen to Brazilian jazz and pagode. And I wail along with them as I pretend samba around the kitchen.


It's fair to say this is a very confusing and trying time for The Man and The Dog.


Here are 3 old favourites I listened to yesterday morning as I was cooking. I am a sentimental fool.

Tragic, no?

*

What is all this wannabe-ness in aid of? 


My capoeira batizado or grading starts in just 2 more sleeps!


Thanks to my stinky right knee [acquired during a careless and callous takedown in training], I've missed 2 big gradings over the last few years, and I think, 3 little ones. So I'm absolutely chuffed about the one coming up! 

That said, I've never had much luck with gradings and now approach each one with trepidation [more like a sense of impending doom].


>>> One grading day a few years back, The Other Half dropped me off at Darling Harbour, drove across Anzac Bridge and was 1 of 5 cars involved in a pileup when a truck in front tried to avoid a carton in the middle of the road at the very last minute and pulled his brakes.

Our car was a total write-off. To the amazement of the cops and ambulance crew that arrived on the scene, The Other Half emerged from the wreck without a scratch. I only found out about the accident hours later, when I returned from the grading. The Other Half can be stoical, considerate and silly.


In memory of that little miracle, we named our new car Baz, short for batizado which in English means baptised. [The same car that now sits on the street, unwashed, unloved, covered in cobwebs, gum leaves and bird poop.]


>>> Another year, my nanny passed away in the middle of the grading. Although she was old and not in the best of health, it was unexpected. She was playing with her grandniece [or nephew, I can't remember which], felt tired, had a shower, a mug of Milo, went to sleep and never woke up again. She was the mother my mother never was, and I loved her very much. But it was the best possible way a person could go, so I was grateful.


>>> Last year, I had just returned to training after a break of more than 2 years, and didn't feel ready to take part in the rough and tumble. Then, Rufus died and I lost interest in even being a spectator. 

What could possibly happen this year?


Glad you asked.  

**

Incredibly [or perhaps not], the curse has struck again! and my good left knee went bad about 2 weeks ago, thanks to a devilish move that entails dropping to the floor from a standing position onto one knee then swivelling around on the ball of your foot to the back. [Don't bother to try to picture it. It's too hard to even explain and I probably didn't do it right.] Then, repeat the move 10 times on each side, every day, for a week. 


It was just a disaster waiting to happen.


The Other Half [and my long-suffering GP] will tell you that some of the stuff we do in capoeira is ridiculous and unnatural. 

Hogwash, I say! I can think of loads of things worse for the human body! Like shovelling gravel every day for a week. [Right, Jean?] Or sitting in front of a computer all day and night blogging. [Right, all you people reading this?]


Should I give up just because my body is falling to bits?


Hell, NO!

***

So that's my exciting news for today. 3 masters from Brazil have already touched down, with more to come. And I've mastered what to say when I meet them. My scintillating conversation will go something like this -


"Oi, Mestre So-And-So! Tudo bem?" [Hi, Master So and So! Everything well?]


And if they should be kind enough to ask me the same, I will cheerfully answer, even if I feel like crap, "Tudo bom!" [Everything good!]


I've cooked enough frozen dinners to last The Other Half most days of next week. Being a forward thinker, I've also made an appointment with my trusty orthopaedic surgeon [whose waiting list is 3 months long, in all 3 of his clinics]. I've even spoken to Georgia about being away a lot next week and she basically said, "So?" 


In short, I think I'm set! There's a good chance I'll be too knackered to blog, so I'll see you in 10 days or thereabouts. [Unless I have any exciting news or another black eye to share.] If you want to hang around, that would be grand.


Till then, tchau! [That's goodbye for all you people who don't speak fluent Portuguese like I do.]


With love and respect, as always, The Typist :) x

****

Oh!


I just had to include this priceless picture of a capoeira friend, Laura, enjoying her udon lunch.
Taken by yet another capoeira friend, MandaChuva.
Guess where Laura is from.

*****

>  In case there's any of you who still don't know what capoeira is, here's the link to that old post with the video.


 >  This reminds me that I haven't yet finished telling you about our trip to Brazil. I don't know if anyone is interested any more. I've certainly lost the zing. But I know The Other Half is keen. So, specially for him, I shall be writing about the tail end of the trip soon. 


Very soon. 


In fact, just as soon as I remember what happened. 


It'll be the least I can do for putting him through this week-to-come. Stay tuned.

And moving on.

"Success!" to quote our favourite tour guide.

Both Christmas lunch salads were devoured with just a tiny bit left over that the hosts happily kept for themselves.

Here then, are the recipes, as promised. Perhaps you can make one for New Year's Eve!

Thai Green Mango Salad
500g green mango [peeled and grated. NOTE! these are Thai GREEN mangoes, not the usual eating types. You should be able to get them from an Asian/Thai grocer. I wish I had a picture of them, but I forgot to take any.]

1/4 cup shallots [raw, thinly sliced]
7 cloves garlic [raw, peeled and crushed]
1/4 cup basil leaves [preferably Thai basil, roughly chopped]
1/4 cup coriander leaves [roughly chopped]
2 tbsp peanuts [buy them raw, toast them in a pan, then roughly chop them in a food processor]

Put some oil in a pan and fry this lot together, in the order as listed:
1 extra shallot [sliced]  and 1 extra clove of garlic [chopped]
200g minced pork or chicken
2 tbsp Thai/Vietnamese fish sauce
1 tsp sugar
Put aside.

Put some oil in a pan and fry these 2 ingredients together:
2 tbsp dried shrimp [from any Asian grocer]
2 bird's eye chillies [the small hot ones! sliced]
Put aside.

ASSEMBLY

Put the grated green mango into a big salad bowl. Add all the other ingredients, 1 at a time.
Top off with the herbs and peanuts.

Toss and mix well. Serve!

In the original recipe, this salad was made to be served with steamed rice. But it'll go down just as well at a barbie.

Please do not be put off by the ingredients list. They're pretty common and easy to get here in Sydney. [Not sure if that'll be the case if you're living in Nova Scotia.]

I learnt how to make this salad after having it a few years ago at a Centennial Park foods market. It was So Good, I had to google the recipe after I got home. There were loads on the internet! I printed one out, made adjustments based on what I'd eaten at the market and hey presto!

WARNING! Under no circumstances should you be kissing anyone after eating this. Not even if they have a whole mistletoe bush hanging over their heads. Of course, you can fry up the garlic and shallots, but why be a woose? They're phenomenal eaten raw! Gargle gargle.

***

Here's the other salad I made. The one I've never even eaten before.

I would say most people at Christmas lunch enjoyed it. Just this morning, the hostess called to ask for the sauce recipe, so I guess it's good enough to pass on.

As for me, I felt it missed something. I'm not too sure what yet and will ponder the matter further. Perhaps a trip to a Thai restaurant to eat the real thing might help.

Uncle STeve's Thai Carrot Salad
Reproduced here without permission because he's not answering his email, and with some variations [already].  

4 medium carrots [grated into long strips]

1/2 bunch mint [roughly chopped. Since it's an Asian salad, I decided to use Vietnamese mint.]
1 bunch coriander [roughly chopped]
1 and a 1/2 cups peanuts [buy them raw, toast them in a pan, then roughly chop them in a food processor]
1+ cups shredded coconut [I suppose fresh would be best but I used the moist pre-shredded type, which I picked up at Woollies.]
1/4 cup sliced raisins
1 chillie [sliced, for garnishing]

1 generous handful of fresh bean sprouts

The dressing, which does NOT have to be pre-mixed:
Juice of 2 lemons
1/4+ cups of Thai sweet-chilli sauce
1 tbsp Asian hot chilli sauce

ASSEMBLY

Put the grated carrot into a big salad bowl. Add all the other ingredients,

1 at a time EXCEPT for the bean sprouts.

When it's just about time to serve, add the dressing. [You can adjust the balance of the lemon juice and chili sauces to your liking at this stage.] Toss and mix well.

Finally, add the bean sprouts. Give it a quick last toss and serve immediately.

NOTE! The world will not end if you add the bean sprouts before Aunty May turns up, but they will get soggy in the bowl and won't taste as nice.

***

I hope you enjoy making the salads. If you do make them, please drop us a line and tell us how they turn out. If you have any questions, please ask. I'm feeling in a helpful mood, no doubt because I've been imbibing in some red as I type this.

Bon Apetit! :)

[Sorry. I have no idea how to say that in Thai.]

*

And what about ME?

Some times, I think The Typist gets carried away and forgets whose blog this is.

Here's MY Christmas family lunch story.

This is cousin Ralph. He's my only rellie that turned up.

I don't know why he doesn't look like me. I guess he was not so lucky with the genes.

As usual, I brought my special Christmas lunch.

As usual, cousin Ralph didn't bring anything. So he ended up with 1/2 of mine.

My Cushion told The Typist off for giving 1/2 my lunch away. But it's okay. It was Christmas after all.

It would've been nice if cousin Ralph had said thank you though.    

Don't you think? 

Other than that, I had a good day!

I hope you did too!

Oh oh.

Dear Laura Ingles,

I'm going to keep this short.

Regarding your letter of complaint, I have met with your humans. They seem perfectly nice and no more unhinged than the average petowner. Your Typist offered me some homemade chocolate cake which was very good, so it's entirely possible she might have been able to bake you That Cake.

They also showed me photos of your birthday weekend. Despite the bad weather, your out-at-work human took you to Centennial Park on Sunday. You say you didn't get to meet your bestest friends. It looks to me like you made a few new ones though.

 You met a potential new boyfriend, Bertie.

I do hope you're spayed, Ms Ingles.

You also took part in a conga line.

Finally, Your Typist tells me you received quite a few well wishes from friends, including these spiffy ones -

This one looks like it was painstakingly personalised.

This one even moves and sings!

Ms Ingles, you are obviously not unloved or neglected. I now consider this case closed. I would appreciate it if you do not bother me again with such trivial matters. I do Very Important Work here.

Yours sincerely,
The Person Who Looks After Dogs, SPCA.

***

My Typist's Best Chocolate Cake In The World Even If She Says So Herself How Would I Know, I'm Not Allowed Chocolate.
1 and 1/2 blocks good quality DARK chocolate, gently melted down

125gm butter, softened

1 cup fine brown sugar

2 eggs, lightly whisked

1 cup plain flour, 1 tsp baking powder, 1/2 tsp baking soda - sifted together

1 cup sour cream - if very thick, may be diluted with a splash of milk

1 generous tsp pure cocoa powder

1 generous tsp dark coffee granules

1 light tsp salt plus another tsp of sea salt crystals
1 tsp vanilla essence
2-3 generous tbsps frozen raspberries

Preheat oven to 180degreesC. Combine all ingredients well in big bowl. Add frozen raspberries last and fold in. Pour mixture into lightly greased baking tin. Bake for 40-50 minutes, or until done.

Tastes even better the next day! Keeps well in fridge for few days.

***

"Georgia!"

"Did you complain to the SPCA?!"

"Oh oh."

"I think I'm in trouble."

Update Wednesday 11th May  If you're vegan and wondering how on earth that chocolate cake recipe might work for you...check THIS out! Yes, the lovely Ms C has figured it all out for you :)

The cook, her helper, the critic and the old fella.

You know how, sometimes, things conspire to make you feel like a lazy, bad, good-for-nothing person?

On Tuesday, I met a lovely lady who politely refused to let me give her dog a tiny piece of schmackos because she considered them no better than plastic and poison.

On Wednesday night, I found a note on my facebook wall from a friend, Ms Amy, who told me she'd baked her dog, Millie, a birthday cupcake.

In fact, 2. One with icing, and one without.

HaPpy * BiRthday, Millie!

Millie looked very happy that someone loved her enough to bake her a birthday cupcake.

On Thursday night, I found 2 simple recipes for liver treats on My Little Dog, a blog that had just become Fwiend #28 the day before. How's that for timing? Ms Didi had posted a liver cake recipe. Ms Pamela had shared another way to do liver in the comments section.

More coincidence. I had a bag of liver in the freezer. It'd been there for a couple of months because The Person Who'd Bought The Stuff didn't want to cook it for himself. 

It was obvious what the cosmos was trying to tell me. Who was I to argue?

On Friday, I dutifully spent the morning making liver treats for my doggies.

This 1st recipe was from the comment that Ms Pamela from Something Wagging made on My Little Dog. It took her 2 lines to share the recipe.I'm going to try to do it in under 300 words and with a lot of pictures.

Slow-Baked Liver Treats For Dummies.

The bag in the freezer had a mix of chicken and pig liver, plus 2 chicken hearts [in right hand bottom corner]. I trimmed off the fat and sliced them into pieces of more or less the same thickness.

"I think you may have thrown some bits away by mistake."

 "THERE! See?"

"Let me get it for you."

Start time.

Temperature in Centigrade.

"Hmmm. Are you sure the oven's hot enough? It seems to be taking a long time."

30 minutes into baking, things got a bit pungent and I found myself taking quick shallow breaths. Unless you're a fan of foods like fermented tofu, dried reindeer and haggis, you might too. 

1st Memo to Self: Open all windows and doors before cooking liver.

As the liver slowly cooked, I hung out the laundry, swept the yard, pruned a few bushes and did some ironing.

2 hours later, it looked like this. 

I flipped the pieces over. The undersides looked as pale as a Brit backpacker on Bondi beach.

Flies started to swarm into the kitchen. I wanted to take a picture of them but only 1 obliged by staying still.

2nd Memo to Self: Liver treats are best made on cool or rainy days when there are less flies around.

I decided to put the liver back into the oven so the undersides could brown up too.

After a while, it hit me that they didn't smell bad anymore. In fact, if you didn't know better, you'd think I was grilling ribs.

After 3 hours, I started to wish I was smart enough to calculate if it was actually worth 3 hours of electricity to make a little container of liver treats.

3rd Memo to Self: Make a bigger quantity next time. Maybe a kilo.

After 3 and 1/2 hours...

Of course it was worth it! Look at them! Crispy on the outside, chewy on the inside! Pure liver! Still warm from the oven!

The slow-baked liver treats were a success! Not only with Georgia and Rufus, but also with The Other Half [who came close to eating a piece himself].

Duly inspired, I set out yesterday morning to try Ms Didi's exciting liver cake recipe. Never one to take the easy way out, I'd also googled more liver recipes over the weekend. I found a site called dogtreatkitchen [which now sits on my sidebar].

Rufus has pancreatitis. And both dogs have had woffly tummies lately, so I decided to compare all the different liver-based recipes on offer and come up with my own "safe" concoction. Being a hopeful rather than accomplished cook, I had no clue if the combination of ingredients would work.

My This, That & The Other Offal Cake Biscuit Brownie

250 g chicken liver

125g chicken hearts

2 eggs

1/4 cup sliced carrots

1 and 1/4 cups oat flour

1/4 cup unprocessed bran

1/2 cup homemade chicken stock

I didn't have any oat flour so the 1st thing I did was to grind up some oatmeal [mixed with bran].

After that, I started working on the offal and carrot. This was my 1st ever attempt at pureeing offal. I won't lie to you. It was pretty awful.

Rufus isn't allowed egg yolks anymore. So I used 1 full egg, and 1 egg white. I think 1 yolk, spread over a whole batch of cake that he'll only get, a bit a day, should be fine. I discovered, by accident, a neat way of separating the egg white from the yolk - make a hole in the shell rather than crack it open, and drain the white out.

I added the oat flour and bran to the pureed liver, hearts and carrot. I tried my best not to look at it too much because it wasn't pretty.

It didn't look much better after blending in the eggs and chicken stock. It was also ridiculously sloppy.

Interestingly enough, there was no smell. I'm wildly guessing here, that the oat and bran flour absorbed the smell. Go on. Laugh! if you're the clever scientist type.

Thanks to the chicken stock, the final mixture was quite runny. This was completely intentional. I figured the oat flour would need to absorb quite a bit of moisture while it was cooking.

 I set the temperature at 180degreesC, fanforced, and the timer for 30 minutes.

5 minutes later, I had a hairy moment when the mixture started bubbling up. I thought it might pop, overflow and splatter all over the oven. That would have made me quite cross. But it didn't happen. Maybe I'd chalked up enough brownie points with the cosmos by then.

4th Memo to Self: Use a deeper pan.

Meanwhile, the customers were getting angsty.

"This place has very slow service."

 "Very slow indeed."

After about 20 minutes, the top was a nice brown and the cake had shrunk from the sides of the pan so I took it out.

It was the flattest cake I'd ever seen in my life. At this point, I decided to rename it a "biscuit".

It was cooked but still soft at the bottom. I wanted it more crisp, so I cut it into pieces...

...flipped them over...

and put them back into the oven for another 10 minutes.

"Zzzzz...zzz..."

"Snifff."

"Phtui!"

Everyone's a critic.

But not every critic is harsh.

A few pieces later...

 "Okay, that wasn't too bad."

So now, we have 2 little containers of homemade liver treats sitting in the fridge. They must be consumed within the next 7 or so days because they have no preservatives. I'm guessing Rufus and Georgia won't have a problem with that. I'm a bit perturbed at the farting that went on last night and hope it didn't have anything to do with the treats.

All in all, I'm quite chuffed with myself for being a good dogmom and hope the cosmos leaves me alone for a bit.

Pity I didn't have time to cook dinner for us humans too.

+++++

Here's some interesting reading I discovered while googling liver recipes.

1. It's best to use organic, hormone-, steroid- and antibiotic-free liver. I didn't this time, but I will from now on.

This is what The Old Fella had to say, "Rubbish! Why?"

Here's why:
http://www.dogtreatkitchen.com/liver-dog-treats.html


2. There are lots of common foods that are NOT okay with dogs, or okay ONLY in small doses.

This is what The Old Fella had to say, "Rubbish! What do you mean no macadamia and beer?"


Here's the list from 2 different sources:
http://www.aspca.org/pet-care/poison-control/people-foods.aspx

http://www.dogtreatkitchen.com/foods-poisonous-to-dogs.html


Update Thursday 24th February  Ms Karen kindly shared these  recipes on her Doggie Stylish blog :) 

If you're completely new at making liver treats [like I am], you'll find a few more good suggestions in the comments section below, by people who have more experience, thank goodness! Based on one of those comments, I've also changed the "biscuit" to "brownie". I think this more accurately describes the texture of the treat as they are now [the few that are left!].

If you do try these recipes, I'd love to hear how they turned out.

Good luck, and as always, xox