c.c. Minister of The Environment
Dear Person In Charge of Farting Fluffing Dogs That Pass Gas Wind,
It has now been 3 days and nights since my doggy started passing gas and she still hasn't stopped.
Her Dr Dog says he's never heard of little blue pills making dogs fart before. And, as you know, we're very careful with what passes though her whiskered lips [though The Cushion did very misguidedly give her one  small dried lamb ear over the weekend]. It could be something she picked up at the park, but surely that's no fault of ours and the people who threw the rubbish there should be the ones made to suffer and not us. I'm sure you see the injustice of it all.
After having driven me to hide in the study on Sunday night, my doggy was kind enough to sleep downstairs on Monday night. Last night, we cleverly closed the bedroom door early so she couldn't get in! But she waited patiently in the guest room next door for more than 2 hours and when I opened the door, just a crack mind you, she pushed me aside to get in.
What was I supposed to do, Person In Charge? She's been so down lately, not herself really, I couldn't break her little determined heart.
There are now black suitcases under my eyes and I fear the fragrance hanging around my doggy's bottom and our hair can never be shampooed away.
Please oh please, Person In Charge, I beg of you! Help whatever is in my doggy's gut finish putrifying today and get dumped in the park [and picked up of course] so that we may all get some sleep tonight and not catch pneumonia.
Your divine intervention is all we can hope for now. [That, and Flagyl if it still hasn't cleared up by tomorrow.]
I thank you in advance and from the bottom of my anxious heart. Your supplicant who is turning blue in the face,
P.S. I am copying this to the Minister of Environment just in case he's interested in studying this [unfortunately] renewable source of energy.