Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Mr Thumper tells his side of the story.

Oh my goodness. It's me, Rufus B.

I can't believe Georgia is letting me get a word in here. She must be in a good mood because her birthday's coming up. Anyway, I'm really chuffed at the chance.

Anyone reading this blog would think I'm a decrepit old dog that does nothing but fart, pee and poop in front of bakeries, dress shops and bus stops.

Well, okay, so I do stuff like that. So what? Wait till YOU'RE 90 and see how well YOU do.

I understand I've once again been portrayed as a dim-witted, incontinent, recalcitrant old grump in the last post. Oh, what a surprise.

That is so far from the truth. Here's what really happened on Sunday.

It'd been raining all night. I'm not talking one of those pretty little autumn showers here. This was like something out of Darwin, pounding down on our tin roof, keeping us awake. By morning, the ground was soaked, slugs were oozing along the soggy pavers, and Alfred was croaking so loudly, we all wished he'd croak.

It didn't take a genius to figure it'd be the sensible thing to stay indoors and sleep in. Especially since it was Sunday.

So there I was snoozing in the kitchen, when I heard The Typist bouncing down the stairs. She yelled out something cheery like, "Goo..od  mo..oo...ooorning Rooo.fus!" Then, she unceremoniously threw my raincoat over me and started to shake my leash like it was some kind of noose. I tried to ignore her. She got upset. She tried to get me to stand up so she could pull the raincoat straps on.

Now, why would I want her to do that? I had no intention of going out in the rain. I'm old, not stupid. I tried telling her that, but would she listen? No. As usual, she just HAD to have her way.

So I gave up, and followed her out the gate. And what did we see?
"I told you it'd be wet."
"Let's go back inside. How about it?"
I gave her my best Cute Old Dog look, but she wasn't buying it.

I really don't know about The Typist sometimes. She has ants in her pants about stuff like taking me for walks. I mean, is it really going to hurt for me to pee in the kitchen once twice many times in a while day?

I still can't believe she dragged an arthritic geriatric like me out in the rain. If I catch a cold, you know who I'll be blaming.
"Look at that! How am I going to get up the kerb without drowning?"
"Pull me up! PULL ME UP! What are you, some kind of weakling? I'm only 53 kilos, for heaven's sake! PULL!"
"Oh God, not another one! That's a raging torrent!"
"Give me a moment here please.""Alright. Here goes...hold on to my leash, okay? I don't want to get swept away."
"Help! Ugh! HELP! Wet! WET! urkkk."

*
*
*


"It's okay. Don't panic. I'm alive. My goodness, that was hard. I think I might be ready for some sustenance now."
"Come on, don't be stingy! Give it to me.
Give it to me!"

All that water was dreadful for an old dog with bad legs like me. And yet, that wasn't the worst of it.

All through the walk, The Typist kept rustling poop bags in my face like I was deaf and blind or something.

"Poop, Rufus, poop!" she went. "Come on, Ru, you can do it.. pooo...oop!"

? ? ? Where? In the rain? On the soggy grass? In a puddle??

It was too ridiculous. So I ignored her and did what every sensible dog would have done in my situation.

I waited till I got home.
Had a nice wipe down.
Found somewhere dry and comfortable.
"Hmmm...back to bed, I think."

And THEN, I did a nice big poop. 
"Hey! Do you guys smell something?"

Seriously, I don't know why The Typist thinks I'm stupid.

And THAT is all I have to say on the subject.

***

I don't know when I'll be allowed back here again, so thanks for reading. I hope you like that I made the words really big. My eyes aren't so good anymore. It's a lot easier to read this way, isn't it? :)


35 comments:

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom said...

Great Work Ethikh!

Of khourse, I so rekhognise pawesome skills since I am Princess RainKhloud Siberian Sponge!

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra

Rufus B Thumper said...

Rufus B here. I get to answer all the comments on this post too. Isn't that exciting?!

I'm sorry but I'm having a bit of trouble understanding you. So are you a Princess, A Raincloud, or A Sponge? I totally get that you're from Siberia! I'm from Alaska, you know.

Thanks for commenting and WELCOME to Georgia's blog :)

Jan said...

Brilliantly narrated.

We think it is totally noble of you to suffer these indignities.

Jean said...

Rufus B Thumper, thank you for giving us your side of the story. It makes complete sense - what a silly human to wake you up on a rainy Sunday morning, to drag you outside, and then to expect you to poop amid the raging torrents rather than in a nice dry home. You'll notice SHE doesn't go outside to do her bathroom business.
I hope you got plenty of treats. And I'm so Georgia Little Pea gave you access to the blog - I hope we hear from you again soon!

Jean, dimwitted human to old Charley and Sadie who also get dragged out in the rain to do their business.

Rufus B Thumper said...

Dear Jan, I am Very Noble, I agree.

Dear Jean, You're right. SHE doesn't. Not very fair at all. As for Charley and Sadie, perhaps you should let them poop somewhere dry and comfy too? I'm sure they'll appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Thank you ladies for being so sympathetic. You're too kind.

sagechronicles said...

Mom says she totally understands, Thumper. Our Maggie (who's playing over the Rainbow Bridge) HATED the rain and did the same thing, especially when she was "getting up there" (as she put it). So, tell Mom to get out the clean-up stuff and be happy you leave her presents!!

chandra said...

Dear Mr. Thumper,
I love you and your big font. Those were some seriously treacherous action shots! Your bravery, strength and ability to clear a room with your pillow poops are impressive. And your cute old dog look? Whatever you're selling, I'm buying!

-c at ddy.

Elizabeth said...

Rufus B., we're sooo glad we decided to follow you around. You have left us baroo-ing so hard that we left puddles where we ought not have.
Your friends,
Jon Farleigh and Dewi

Rufus B Thumper said...

MORE kind ladies! How lovely.

Dear Sage, I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean by "getting up there". It sounds intriguing and frankly, somewhat scary. I shall be sure to pass The Typist a.k.a. the Cleaner your message.

Dear Chandra, I've heard about you! You're that lady who helps old dogs. Very nice, my dear :)

Dear Elizabeth, are you new here too?I'm sorry Georgia isn't here to welcome you properly. I'm just here for the day, you know. I like that word "baroo-ing"! Oh dear, about the puddles. I hope you had some cleaners handy.

Karen Friesecke said...

Senior fellows like you just don't get a break! I wouldn't want to go out in that kind of rain, either.

Rufus B Thumper said...

Dear Karen, my point exactly! I hope The Typist gets the message. She can be VERY stubborn.

janeiro said...

Georgia, Rufus precisa que voce seja gentil com ele. Feliz Aniversario! e nao esquerca de compartir os seus presentes com Rufus. felicidades.
Emmy Dogs in Brazil

Rufus B Thumper said...

Dear Emmy, Georgia says you told her to share her birthday presents with me! Thank you! I hope she does. I will remind her.

Also, she's not always rude and mean to me. Sometimes, she even sleeps next to me. And she comes to check if I'm alright when other dogs bark at me too! I think maybe she does like me a little, but doesn't want anyone to know because she's got a tough girl image to protect. She'll be so cross when she finds out I've told you hehe :) have a great day!

houndstooth said...

Rufus, I think Lilac may have just fallen in love with you! She could have written almost the very same sort of story. It's uncanny, really!

As much as the humans complain about how hard it is to get older, you'd think they'd have more compassion for old dogs! I mean really! Expecting you to go outside in the rain at all -- ridiculous! I am glad you took a stand and drew your line in the sand!

Bunny

Rufus B Thumper said...

Dear Bunny, I've seen pictures of Lilac. She's a swell looking lady and you can tell her I said so. Of course, YOU'RE pretty too, but a bit young for me. I'm no cradle snatcher.

Judging by the comments here, a lot of us old dogs could do with a home loo, especially in bad weather. Perhaps something like a kitty litter box, but a lot bigger. I wonder why no one has thought of it.

The sun is out today. Thank goodness!

Jen said...

Oh Rufus, I think what you did makes perfect sense! I suspect any of mine (well, really only Spike, Sophie is CRAZY, she likes the rain! And, Murphy would just follow her along.) would do the same!! Hope she doesnt drag you out in any more rain storms again!

Jen and the Black Dog Crew

Rufus B Thumper said...

Dear Jen, my humans have been taking us dogs out twice a day, rain or shine, light or dark, summer or winter for years! It was a really excellent plan when I was younger, but maybe they'll have to cut down now. Unfortunately, with my *ahem* incontinence, that makes it hard.

I do hope they don't put me in diapers as an alternative. That would be awful. Luckily for me, it might be hard to get one my size.

As for Sophie's love of rain...I get it! I like sleeping in rain myself! It makes my
humans crazy but they've given up trying to get me in the house. My fur
keeps me quite dry, though my humans say I smell like a musty saltfish after.
Personally, I'd rather smell like that than some floral herbal shampoo.

Bye now. Oh, and please say hello to The Black Dog Crew for me. They
have a very cool name :)

Kenzo said...

Thank you Mr. Thumper, for reporting what really transpired. You are wise and know things must be carried out in a particular order and that the setting must be right. I hope Georgia and the Typist allow you more air time so you can share more of your wisdom with all of us.

Pamela said...

Mr. Thumper--

It was so nice to hear from you even if it was to narrate such harrowing events.

Maybe you need to inform the typist that you're worried about radiation from Japan coming from the rain clouds. If you go outside in the rain, you could end up with super powers (like the Incredible Hulk or Spiderman).

And I don't even want to think of what radioactive, super powered poop would smell like in the house.

Rufus B Thumper said...

Dear Kenzo, I must say, you sound rather astute and wise yourself. As for getting more airtime, please don't hold your breath.

Dear Pamela, The Typist hasn't mentioned any radioactive rain clouds. But then, I don't think she's as well read as you. BTW, she says to tell you my poop already smells radioactive. Honestly! I don't know how she could think that's appropriate information to share on this family-friendly blog.

Pup Fan said...

Oh my goodness... you're the cutest!

Rufus B Thumper said...

Dear Pup - thank you! I've been trying to tell Georgia that the last 2 years but she doesn't believe me. After your comment, there should be no more argument from missy!

mylittledog said...

When you said in your previous post that it was raining badly, I didn't imagine it was that bad! I don't blame Rufus for not wanting to go out in it. I don't think George would have either, unless I fashioned him a pair of wings to carry him over the puddles.
A bit naugthy of Rufus to poop on the floor, in the house. He could have at least used the toilet :)

All these aside, that second photo of Rufus is, indeed, very cute. He looks more like a puppy than a geriatric :)

DogBlogger said...

Poor Rufus. Forced to go out in the rain.
How mean.
One drop of rain on my little Daisy's nose and she's racing back inside.
But puddles are a different story altogether. We love puddles.

Poor, old, poopy hound. You just stay inside on your bed.

Rufus B Thumper said...

Dear Didi, Unfortunately, no one ever taught me how to use the proper toilet. And, as I mentioned, the bed was very dry and comfy! Thank you for saying I'm cute too. I think I feel my head getting bigger already.

Dear Si, when you find out how us dogs can tell the difference between getting wet by
1.rain
2.swimming
3.puddle and
4.BATH
...please do let The Typist know. It's one of those questions that bug her too.

Have a great day everyone!

cate said...

Oh Gosh, I'm so glad I met you today Thumper! You are so much fun, that was great!

Roberta @ Silverwalk said...

Mr. Thumper,
MY human left me outside all night long when I didn't come to her call with the puppies. Ugh, puppies - try to be nice and they are all over me. I completely understand your predicament - she waited so long last night I had to pee in the house - me, a 12 yr old Husky mix who is perfectly house-trained. Well, she has a lesson now; hopefully, I will soon find a home of my own and leave this sanctuary seemingly now full of puppies; ok, only 3 and only 2 are obnoxious but that's a lot for an old guy to take. Nice post. Yours, Cane.

Juliette and Dougie the westie said...

Hello Mr Thumper, nice you got to blog for a change, every old dog has his day! Your typist really has to organise your poop visits a bit better, I'm a small westie and I get let into our covered outside area when it's raining, as I'm only small and get drenched quickly. Hope your health ok oldboy - I'm 9 now, so I know how it goes.

Rufus B Thumper said...

Dear Cate, Another newbie? WELCOME and thanks for dropping by!

Dear Cane, your sanctuary sounds busy. I hope you find a home soon because young 'uns can be awfully irritating and in your face. (I hope Georgia doesn't read this.) By some strange coincidence, MY name used to be Cane too when I was at the pound. I was dumped TWICE by the time I was 8 months old and look where I am now. So hang in there and something good will happen I'm sure!

Dear Dougie, The Typist says to tell you I would have to go for a walk every 2 hours to not pee in the house, because I'm now VERY incontinent and am
always dribbling and puddling. I don't think you have to worry about that for a while because 9 is quite young for a littledog!

chandra said...

Dear RBT,
I just came back to visit your "Hey? Do you guys smell something?" photo. It cracks me up every time!

Thanks,
-c at ddy.

dogsmom said...

We love you Rufus.


DogsMom and the houseful

Lavi said...

I'm sorry about your bad rainy day, Rufus. It's really uncomfortable to have to scoot in the rain. Don't worry, even Aschiuta (who is supposedly properly house broken) made a puddle in the middle of the room when we had guests over.

Rufus B Thumper said...

@Chandra - because you're always helping old dogs like me, you can blow up the picture and put it by your bedside if you like. I'm alright with that. I'm quite used to being adored (and cracking people up).

@dogsmom - love back xox

@Lavi - oh, it wasn't that awful, love. I just like making The Typist feel bad :p

H and Flo said...

Baaaaaahaaaaaaa!

Jim Choo Choo said...

O, Rufus you're so cute! I am convinced with your side of story ;)